Hello Again

The reason that I haven't been on this blog much lately is that I have been struggling to form words. Emotions have been overwhelming and trying to even find words for that is hard.

Something I have realised though, is that even when it feels like we're the only ones feeling a certain way, we really aren't. I have discovered many people recently that can relate to my sometimes strange feelings. The ones that are there for a reason and the ones don't make sense.

It seemed like I had nothing to say. I wasn't sure how I could help anyone through my words. I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is here. I know that God has created us to know Him and worship Him, to tell others about Him and to help those around us. That is the simple answer, and it sufficed for years, but for a while it didn't seem like enough. I wanted to know what I was supposed to be doing. Where I was meant to be.

I think what started these thoughts was that there was a chance I was going to move. I discovered a program that combined many of my passions and desires. I was looking at joining a Discipleship Training School that ministered to people through the arts. I love the creative side of things and the way that the arts can speak to people.

I was very excited for this new place, new community, new opportunities. But it was taking a long time to get a reply on whether I was accepted into the program or not and that was stressful as it was getting to a few weeks before I would need to leave and I didn't know whether I was going or staying. I don't like uncertainty. I like to have plans for the bigger things and I like knowing what I am meant to be doing. There was also some miscommunication and things were getting delayed until there wasn't really enough time to sort everything out. Because of this I asked if my application could be postponed to the next year.

But there have been some good things that have happened through my staying. I am also learning yet again to trust God, with every section of my life. He knows what I need and when I need it. He is always there even when I can't see His hand directly and wonder what is happening. He has provided me with good friends, a supportive family and sparking ideas.

I have also realised something recently that I think will help me to not stress so much over things. It's something that people have said to me many times before, but as someone said last night at com (bible study), it is often needed for you to have a realisation of something yourself for it really to make a difference.

In a sense, stressing about things is focusing more on what could go wrong instead of keeping my focus on God. I know that He has me, so why do I worry so much? It's hard to put this into practice but I am going to try!

So, I am staying in place for now, but I am excited. It feels like things are coming together and I have plans. It is exciting :)

~~~ On a side note, I ordered a new camera today. I am very excited!!!! ~~~

Transparently Opaque

I've decided to just sit down and write a post, no for-planning, no notes and squiggles on a page, no days writing and rewriting and editing.

So, a topic that has come up a lot recently is this topic of transparency. Which is great! Except when I am expected to do it.... It's not that I am a very closed and private person, if I trust you to some degree I am very open, but it's difficult to be open about my weaknesses and struggles to more than a select group of people or people that I know will understand. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why. Sure, it could be that I don't want them to see me a certain way without understanding it completely, it could be a pride thing, it could be uncertainty of how to explain my self to some people or uncertainty of how they will take it. I don't want to try and explain something and they get the wrong picture and I can't redraw it.

Yet I see the importance of it. I see the importance of being open and transparent. It opens doors for common ground and approachability. It can help others or could help you. It makes you less afraid of others, makes you more aware of real love when you know they can see all that you have done wrong yet still love you anyway.

But it's hard. It's scary and it's daunting. I know I need to be more transparent with more people. There is no reason to be afraid because I know who I am, I know that I have value to God no matter how scuffed I am or how much I mess up; and yes, you should becareful of who you open up to cause some people aren't worth the trust, but I'm speaking about a safe community, that I should be able to trust to a larger extent.

Yet I am transparent to only a certain degree with most people. To a place where it requires no or minimal risk.

But the point of something being transparent is to be able to through it, to see into it. To see the reality of what is inside.

Transparent.

Transparently opaque. An oxymoron. One that so often happens.

Opaque: Impenetrable by light, blocking the passage of radiant energy and especially light

But light is necessary. Light is necessary for things to grow. Light takes away shame.

Then why is it so scary?

Even in the simple idea of saying: I'm not okay. It's easier to make people believe everything is more or less okay, sure not perfect, but okay. I don't want to explain, I don't want to feel like I'm failing.

But it's okay to not be okay.

That is something I have learnt this year. I used to sometimes think that if I wasn't coping (other than for reasons when it would completely make sense to not be) then I was a terrible Christian. Cause Christians should just be fine all the time right..?

No...

Yes, God gives us hope, even in the midst of trying times or low days, but that doesn't automatically make everything perfect.

And yes, we can't just stay in the low places, in the bad moods, in the doubting, but I don't think it makes you a terrible person because you aren't having a good day, or more drastically are battling with thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Just read some of the psalms. David was not always okay. He sounds depressed and down and upset at some stages, but yet he still praises God. He doesn't stay there, but he does go through down moments. Yet he is still remembered as a man after God's own heart, even though he wasn't always happy and was quite clear about that.

Honesty and transparency can bring us closer, help us to help each other.

Why are we so scared of not being okay in front of each other?

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Just Keep Learning...

After all my good intentions of being more consistent and interactive, I just disappeared. I'm not exactly sure why, but it wasn't just because life got busy, but things started to seem pointless. Sometimes not being able to see that there's anything coming from an endeavour is discouraging because sometimes my words seem to not make sense even to me. Even though I'm not trying to make a huge difference with this blog I do hope that my words mean something to someone. Anyhow, I thought it would be good to share some things I've learnt recently, both about myself and about life in general.

1) Being not okay is okay. I know this, but I don't like not being okay. I feel like I should be able to handle a lot more than I can and that I shouldn't need help. Yet I have been blessed with so many great people around me that can help me and do and I am grateful for that. Also, not being happy all the time doesn't make you a terrible person. At some stage I thought that Christians had to be more or less okay all the time unless something hugely traumatic happened, but sometimes I'm not okay for small reasons, or not any reason at all it seems. I've found a lot of comfort in talking to people that understand and also in the Psalms. David is remembered as a great man but there were days that he really wasn't okay. Yet even in those times he praised God. I want to learn from that.

2) I set expectations of myself that are not what others expect. This causes a lot of stress that is really unnecessary. I want to do things well, but sometimes, instead of just focusing on that and doing the best that I can, I start to worry that I'm not doing it well enough for someone else's standard, or that I can't do it well enough, which also takes away any enjoyment or motivation I previously had.

3) Community is vital. I've found that often talking to someone, whether it is about a bad day, an unwelcome feeling or a situation, can be very helpful. Even if they can't help, just having someone know what's going on let's you feel less alone. If you have some people that you know you can message just to ask them to pray for you or to talk, I'd encourage you to contact them.

4) People need your love more than your judgement. People make mistakes, start thinking in ways that might not make sense to you and that need to change, but sometimes all you can do is to still love them through that and pray for them. Sometimes no amount of talking and giving your opinion or even explaining what is right will change their mind.

I don't like going through confusing times and stages that I don't handle as well as I would like to, but I am grateful for the things that I learn through those times. I am also comforted by the fact that even when I'm not being the "best" person that I can be God doesn't stop loving me.

Can You Love Too much?

I saved a quote on Pinterst a while ago and found it again tonight. It got me thinking about what limits we put on love and if that is a good thing.

"Loving too much always kills you. It rips you apart and messes up your mind. It leaves you wide awake at 3 in the morning wishing you never had any feelings."

I know I've been talking about love a lot recently, but I do think that it is important. Michelle Strydom (she's put together a lot of fascinating research on sickness and healing) says that the majority of diseases come from a breakdown in relationship between yourself and God, yourself and others, or yourself and yourself (such as low self-image). And if so much can be linked back to relationships, a lot can be linked back to love, as with most relationships, there is some foundation of love, whether it be platonic towards friends (phileos), with God our father, with our family, or with people that we barely know. 

Loving people that we barely know or that are complete strangers is tricky, but God does tell us to love them, and I think it is a lot easier when it does pour out of that love, and that we see them the way that He sees them (loved and perfectly created), or when we realise that all we do for those that can't do anything for us, we are doing of Jesus. (Matthew 25:40)

This post is about loving too much though. So first off, do you think that you can love too much? Why or why not?

Let's consider some reasons why it could be a bad thing. 

It can make friendships complicated

If you're friends with someone of the opposite gender, there is the possibility of things getting more complicated than you anticipated. I don't think this is an issue of loving too much though, but more what sort of love and thoughts are there. For example, I have some guy friends that I love a lot, but I've never started being attracted to them because of that, or because I do things to show that I love them (such as mailing a letter cause they live far away, or making them a birthday present, or sending a message just to say I'm thinking of them). 

So then what causes it if it's not too much love? I'm not sure. Maybe it's getting too intimate, maybe it's just that there is attraction, but I don't think it's too much love, because you get different types of love and I think it is possible to love someone completely without there being any romantic attachments. 

Read more about the different loves here (when this post is written in the future cause the topic is pretty interesting)

It hurts

Aaaahhhh (anguished cry). I think this is potentially the worst part of loving people. They can let you down, disappoint you, or things can just happen that hurt you, and those things would not have been able to hurt you if there was not some love there. 

When people move away

When you lose a friendship, or a piece of a friendship

When your friend is hurting and it hurts you

When your friend does something that you wish you could have stopped them from doing

These some  things that make friendships, and any relationship, hard. 

There are so many nights that I've lain in bed unable to sleep and had an ache in my chest from one of those things. I absolutely love people, but the things like this make it hard, make me wish that I could care less and not have such deep feelings. They say that emotional pain can hurt as much as physical pain and I think that's pretty close. Knowing that someone else is hurting and not being able to fix it is horrible. 

The awesome thing is that we do know a God that can fix all these things or work for good through them. That hope is awesome.

The positives of loving too much? I'm glad you asked.

We are more moved to help others

If there were no love and no empathy in this world, we'd be in a pretty dire place. There would be a lot less cruelty if there were more love. There would be less people in bad situations if people acted less selfishly. 

Displays the character of Christ

Jesus loved people that were not easy to love. He loved people so much that he left His home in heaven. How many people do you know that would actually leave things that they loved and that were comfortable in order to help others? How many times do we simply say that we're too tired to help someone that needs it? There were times that Jesus withdrew and prayed and rested, and times when, even though he tried to get away (for example because he had received news that John the Baptist had been beheaded), but people came he went to them and healed them. 

The world needs more love

There are a lot of people hurting. Whether it is children whose parents have divorced and they're confused about love, an orphan that is alone, refugees from war torn countries, someone needing encouragement, or a friend having a bad day. God has placed us here to be His hands and feet He and has told us to love others. 

So can we love too much? I don't think so. Maybe it's how we handle that love that makes the difference. If you're always getting hurt by friends disappointing you, maybe you need to remember that our joy should come from Jesus and when we're satisfied with Him others can't hurt and disappoint us as easily. If you're disappointed by the way that people close to you are acting because it is destructive, perhaps a reminder of how great God is and how these things can just be sorted out is helpful. Praying for them helps a lot. I think we often forget about how powerful prayer can be.

Have a great day and find a way to show someone that love that we have been given
Shendz

Life As We Know It

I have decided that maybe a break from more serious topics is needed, and also, if I want this to be more interactive, let you into my life little more.

I also was exporting photos from my phone and they brought back happy memories

So here, in pictures, are some snapshot looks into my life:

1) This is me. This is also why I have obtained the nickname Ducky from one of my friends. We make cute ducks.


2) I love travelling!

The world is a book, and those that do not travel read only one page - Saint Augustine

3) I like taking photos. I quite enjoy pretty rocks too and photos of feet in different places. But I've decided just to let you enjoy the rock in this one. This was taken in one of my favourite places, a beautiful little place in South Africa.








4) I am partially Irish. I had the privilege of visiting this beautiful country last year for a family gathering. This photo was taken from a castle that my family once used to own many years ago.

Ireland is very beautiful and very, very green. There is a lot of history and it was very interesting visiting some historical sites and cemeteries. The roads are very narrow in all the places that I visited outside of Dublin. Our bus driver impressed me greatly with the speed at which he took on all the roads and corners. I also had the amazing experience to dance in Ireland! I got to do some Irish as well as some choreographies. The coolest part of that was getting to dance with some other Irish dancers. It was very special getting to do an Irish dance in Ireland with other dancers for my extended  family.

Something that I find very special about flying is being able to see things from a different perspective. On our way back to South Africa, on one of the flights, we flew through a cloud. It was beautiful but you could hardly see a thing, yet could still trust that the pilot was going to get us through and in a while we would be back in the sun and able to see more clearly. This is a very clear (aha ha) metaphor of how we go through times in life sometimes that we cannot see what is coming next or even what is going on and can't understand why we are in a cloud that can be a bit of a scary place to be, but we can trust that God will bring us out of it into a beautiful day. 

His plans will prevail, even when we cannot 

fathom them. 

What do I do with my time? (5)

Aside from writing and dancing and spending time with people and other hobbies, I work for a church. I did a missions year with them last year and this year I am working there as a part of this missions group. The group is called Citylove and you can find out more about it here: 

Citylove Facebook Page

We get to do a lot of cool things which I will explain in a moment. But first, here are some pics from a trip to PE last year:

We got to go into a few schools with Oxygen Life and attend their community groups, as well as visit a children's home, attend a youth group, and hang out with some awesome people.

Most of the time we work near our church and help with the Friday night ministries there, do outreaches to nearby places, teach some classes at a school, visit children's homes and at times old age homes and nearby locations. It is awesome being able to share Jesus' love with people through these different experiences.

 

6) I like Star Wars. A lot haha

7) I've had one operation to remove my wisdom teeth. It was a weird, although interesting experience, but worth it! I was in a lot of pain for months beforehand from the teeth growing skew, but once my mouth was all done healing (a couple weeks after the operation) I've had no more pain!

8) I enjoy learning about photography and videography. 

9) I quite enjoy painting, especially with watercolours. It's a fun hobby


10) I enjoy reading, and though I mostly enjoy reading fiction, I want the bible to become my go-to book and favourite reading.

 11) I love people! This is also one of my favourite houses to spend time at. It's so peaceful and the company is excellent!

12) I don't really enjoy alcohol. I just like tasting it and taking photos of it.

13) Road trips! They are great.

14) Road trips in Land Rover Defenders are also great. It makes them even more interesting and exciting than if the vehicle just went with no problems at all.


15) I think God makes the most beautiful sunsets and I love seeing them!

16) I have some brothers. Just a few actually, but that depends on who you ask.


17) If you can teach me something new and answer all my questions about it, and are happy to do so, I'll probably want to spend a lot of time with you. 

18) I enjoy colouring my hair temporarily.


19) I'm trying to learn Japanese. Slowly...


20) I love words! There are so many interesting words out there and they are so rich in meaning

21) I am 21 haha

This was a long post. Here is a clock :P haha. Have a great day!

Shendl

Love - How Are We Doing?

Have you noticed a theme recently? The last few posts have been about love. I didn't even notice this at first. I feel like I have been learning a lot of stuff and have been writing about it, and it all comes back to love. That makes sense though. That is basically the theme of the whole bible, and that is what God is, so it makes sense that so much rotates around it.

Okay, on we go to today's post and big question:

How well are we doing at loving God?

I don't mean that in a scale of 1 to ten, am I doing better than you or any competitive sort of way. So written in better words:

How much do you love God?

Is He most important to you? Is He first in your life? Do you love Him more than anyone or anything?

Francis Chan said something like this in the book Crazy Love: We need God's help to love Him more.  (I couldn't find the exact quote, but that is gist of it)

Honestly though, I don't act like I love God very much some days and I don't like it. I'm sure I'm not the only one though, so let's do something about this! Because I know that it's just not me. And yes, it does take time to fall in love with someone, but let's keep our eyes fixed on Him and ask Him to change our desires so that He is our greatest desire. Not with a lazy passivity, but actually make a decision that even when we don't feel like it, even when our attitudes and feelings don't reflect Him, that we consciously chose to still pursue Him and what He wants.

And as that quote illustrates, He can help us with that, but it requires effort on our part too.

Just a friendly post to say....

Hello :)

If you're reading this blog I'd love to get to know you a little. Most of my writing thus far has been to get the words out of my head and maybe, hopefully help someone. I would like it to be more interactive though, to start getting to know people in the blogging world and those that read here.

People are so important, so if you're a person, obviously that means that you are important :)

Why? Simply because God created you, and I know that my God doesn't make useless things.

So, feel free to read, comment, send me a message if you have a question or just need a friend. I'm going to try and reach out to other bloggers, read and learn from them and interact, cause thus far I've mostly been a consumer of other blogs, not interacting at all, but we, as a people, a community, are stronger. There is so much that we can all learn from each other and encouragement is also always great!

I think that is something people in general just need though, people to encourage, push, and love them.

That's what we're all craving isn't it? Love in one form or another. Love is awesome, and should push us to pursue the one that is love!

So let's encourage each other. Let's all push each other to be loving and in love with God.

The memory verse for Junior Youth last week was:

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 (I had to look up the reference. Whoops. Still got some memory work to do).

I think that is a great description of what I am wanting to get across in this post and create around this blog.

Let me know what you think!

Shendl

Don't Love To Be Loved

I like clothes with words on them. I like the extra expression it gives, but it all depends on what the words are. A few weeks ago I was walking trough the mall with a friend and saw a lady wearing a t-shirt that said:

Love to be loved

I guess there are two ways to take this saying. 

I love being loved, because it does feel good. It is awesome to have those around us that love us and also to have an amazing God that loves us so much.

Or it could mean Love others to get love. That is not a good sentiment and is not biblical at all. If we just look at the example we have been given, even from one of the most shared bible verses, John 3:16: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. Jesus died for us when we were still sinners and not at all loving towards Him. It is an unconditional love in the purest sense, because even if we don't ever choose to love God He's already done so much for us! Even giving you life and free will is an amazing act of love, even if you don't agree. 

So my challenge is to love those that are hard to love. To show love to even those that won't ever give you the love back, because aren't we wanting to become more like Jesus? Aren't we wanting to show love to those around us even though it isn't always pleasant? You won't necessarily ever know what that love shown will mean to someone that hasn't experienced much love. I think that love can soften many world hardened hearts. To someone that has always been roughly dealt with by the world, someone showing them undeserved love won't make sense and will make them question what makes you different. 

And that could be an amazing opportunity to introduce them to our God :) 

We can't outlove God

  

He saw us made, saw us being formed, knows our thoughts and made us so intricately amazing. Just think of of your body and thoughts. Just thinking of how I'm using my fingers, these appendages that were so little when I was born, to type this out by hitting keys and knowing in my head how to combine those actions in order to create something that makes sense and that you will use your amazingly formed eye to read, it's weird.

Psalm 139 talks so beautifully of how we were created, "You knit me together"; how we are known, "You know me", "You know when I sit and when I rise", "You are familiar with all my ways". Why would God even care to know us so well? He could have just created us and stuck us on this earth to go about and watch us in our stupidity. But He loves us too much for that. "You hem me in behind and before."

He loved us since before we were born, but the weird part about this is we aren't even nice. We aren't good, we don't show Him the love that He deserves. "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—  but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:6-8

While we were still sinners. When we did what God hated without a second thought, when we didn't love Him or know Him. He loved us. I've seen this rephrased as: You loved me at my darkest. Which is amazing cause how many people would love us when we are "at our darkest", when we have nothing to bring and aren't being loving or easy to love. At that time, in that state, Jesus died for us, even though we might never love Him back. 

"He loved us not because we were loveable, but because He is love." C.S. Lewis

We can't earn this love. And we can't do anything to deserve it. When we mess up and come back repentant, He's still there loving us. It doesn't change how He feels. It doesn't change who He is. He will always outlove us, and that is amazing. 

Vulnerability

4/11/16

I have realised something recently. I don't like vulnerability, I find it hard to share my problems with others. Whether it is because they have previously stared blankly at me or muttered some sort of "It'll be fine" in response, or have seemed disinterested in helping me, I don't understand the point of sharing a part of your life with someone when they don't care.
Yet over and over I hear that a team should be unified, should be able to help each other; we should have accountability partners who can help us with forward momentum; we should be transparent with our lives.

It is sometimes easier to put those emotions into a story or dance where they just need to be felt instead of put into words. But I was thinking that there are people in the bible that have experienced the same emotions that we do. David is one of my favourite bible characters lives. He makes mistakes, has hard times to go through, he is depressed at times, yet he is still called a man after God's own heart. A man that wasn't always happy, a man that took another's wife and had him positioned to be killed, yet God still saw his heart and that it was devoted after him.

 I think David's story can show us that we don't need to be perfect. We don't need to appear perfect in front of others. And that is hard. It is so much easier to hide my problems and deal with them myself than be vulnerable, but it is such a sweet place I want to get to. To be assured that whatever happens, whatever mistakes you make, whatever your emotions, that doesn't change your worth in God's eyes, So why does it matter so much what others think? I want to get to that place where my eyes are starry gazed, fixed on Jesus, that it is easy to admit how chipped and messed up I am. Where it doesn't matter how others see me, because I know how he sees me and if I don't have the support of others, that is actually okay.

20/5/17

Six months later and I am thinking these same thoughts. I guess some thought patterns take a while to get through. I still have the same desire though, to be humble enough to be open about my problems and failures. To not care that others see me as imperfect, because that is what I am. 

I am imperfect. 

And so are you, so what is the big deal about sharing that? Why don't we try and skip this awkward phase of not wanting to admit where we have or are going wrong. I do think with some topics you need sensitivity on who to share what with, but I don't want to be ashamed of the fact that I am not perfect anymore, because that is a silly thing to aspire to. 

Adventure Is Out There!

                                   

Let's go on an adventure!

One of my favourite sentences; and I have had many of them. From cliff jumping to travelling, performing to filming and driving fun vehicles, the unexpected ones like getting stuck in the mud, or the unconventional ones like walking through the drive-thru. I love them.

One of the best parts of an adventure is those you get to share it with. It's lovely to look back on those memories and reminisce or laugh with friends.

But I find myself caught in the mundane. Not every day holds an adrenaline rush and not every day looks exciting. Sometimes it's the same routine, the same tasks and even the enjoyable ones lose their fervour. Yet hidden in the ordinary moments of like there are some that spark. There are still amazing exciting things if we were just to look.

 "An adventurous life does not necessarily mean climbing mountains, swimming with sharks or jumping off cliffs. It means risking yourself by leaving a little piece of you behind in all those you meet along the way." - Shawna Grapentin

This is one of my favourite quotes. Maybe we can't spend every moment falling out of airplanes or hiking kilimanjaro, but that doesn't mean our lives are devoid of adventure.
Let's take a look at this word I am fond of.

Adventure

1) a: an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks
b: the encountering of risks 

2) a: an exciting or remarkable experience

An undertaking involving danger and unknown risks. Is that not what it is to love someone, to get to know someone, or even to start a conversation? You never know what is going to happen. You don't know how much you will affect them nor how much their lives will affect you. That friend that now knows you so well that if the friendship were to end it would hurt, was once a stranger, a person you met one day and decided that you want this person to be in your life, to know you.

As C.S Lewis says: "To love is to be vulnerable". We can open ourselves up to people as a friend, a mentor, someone showing kindness and you never know whether your lives might end up irrevocable woven.

It is a risk to love others. It is a risk to be open and it can be a remarkable experience to take the time to talk to someone, a person that you might otherwise never know.

And even apart from the people whose lives touch ours, there is beauty everywhere, in the sunset, the raindrops, the ordinary miracles of flowers blooming, the seasons changing. There is beauty in this mess of a place.

There are many exciting, inspiring adventures all around us that we often fail to see. Little moments of adventure, those exciting and remarkable experiences. Even a circumstance that seems bad at first can be an adventure if you look at it right.

I am wanting to look on the world with new eyes, in a way that sees the possibilities instead of fear, the amazing awe-striking moments instead of the dull monotony of life, because why should it be? And so I embark, on my daily adventure.

#mydailyadventure