#2

If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

Lie in the sun. Find a perfect sunny spot on a hopefully perfectly warm with no wind day. Those days that are so warm it feels like you're wrapped in a duvet, like the air actually has texture to it, with perhaps only a warm breeze to disturb the plants and gently wrestle your hair. I'd lie on the grass and close my eyes and soak it in, the sun, the feeling of being alive. Feel the soft prickles beneath me and the rub my feet in the sand, feeling every textured grain. Then I'd go and visit people I love and enjoy being around them and look at the vastness of the sea. The closest word I can find to that feeling of the sun on your skin (which apparently is not felt the same all around the world) is apricity, though it means the warmth of the sun in winter. It's a pity there isn't a word for that simple pleasure of feeling the sun

#1

I haven't written in a while... My words have felt trapped inside my head or held too tight in my hand. Strangely, it's felt easier to talk than write, which is unusual for me, but I want to get used to writing more. So I thought I would try and write from some prompts I have collected on Pinterest for now. I do believe that words can be used powerfully, but I need to get the words out in order for them to mean anything.

Today's prompt: Something I thought a lot about as a child is...

Stories..

I would often pretend that I was either in a story I had read, one I was writing or one that I would never write. I was many different characters at many different times with many different stories swirling around me. I was a time traveller, a child in the war, and as I got a bit older, a Jedi. That became my favourite story. Jedi were strong, could survive anything, brought good to the world and had this deep spiritual connection that gave their life more meaning than they would have had without it.

Star Wars is still one of my favourite movie sagas and has captured my imagination since I first saw it. I could write a lot more about it and Jedis, but back the question. I would write a lot of stories, in games, in books, in my head.

On another short note, something funny I thought of as a kid was the way that Santa claus would get into our house since we didn't have chimney

That's all for today,
but enjoy this photo of a colourful beach

I haven't done much today

I haven't done a lot of productive things today, but maybe that's okay. 

Earlier this year I was almost constantly anxious, and a lot of that came from feeling like I was never good enough or had never done enough. These expectations felt like they came from other people, but the way I took them didn't encourage me to work harder or be more productive, it stressed me into trying to get more done, trying to keep busy. I did get quite a lot done, and I know that some of those techniques like keeping lists are helpful, but I was always stressed and just about ready to burst into tears if any little change came into my carefully planned out day. I had to always be planned a day or two ahead, with everything fitting in and working out.

These things aren't bad in themselves, having a list of goals to achieve or wanting to have plans, but I wasn't flexible at all, which is odd as I knew I had been stretched the previous two years in exactly that thing, yet I let stress and overthinking run my life.

So though I may not have got a lot done today, and I know I should get back to making lists and doing more, I'm not as anxious when I am awake, I don't have stomach aches almost every day and at the moment I am appreciating the time to get to know myself better. I realised recently there are some things about my character that I want to change, ways that I've been acting and reacting that are not healthy nor come from a good place. I have identified most of the reasons why and now I get the interesting time of figuring out how to change my thinking so that I don't continually struggle with the same things.

I guess in some way or another we're all just growing together

Thoughts

People

How do you know when people are worth the effort? 

Surely they all are,
But that's not fair to my heart.
Unless I'm just too selfish in expecting anything back
Is it selfish to expect anything in return?
Why can't I love with no expectation..