#2

If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

Lie in the sun. Find a perfect sunny spot on a hopefully perfectly warm with no wind day. Those days that are so warm it feels like you're wrapped in a duvet, like the air actually has texture to it, with perhaps only a warm breeze to disturb the plants and gently wrestle your hair. I'd lie on the grass and close my eyes and soak it in, the sun, the feeling of being alive. Feel the soft prickles beneath me and the rub my feet in the sand, feeling every textured grain. Then I'd go and visit people I love and enjoy being around them and look at the vastness of the sea. The closest word I can find to that feeling of the sun on your skin (which apparently is not felt the same all around the world) is apricity, though it means the warmth of the sun in winter. It's a pity there isn't a word for that simple pleasure of feeling the sun

#1

I haven't written in a while... My words have felt trapped inside my head or held too tight in my hand. Strangely, it's felt easier to talk than write, which is unusual for me, but I want to get used to writing more. So I thought I would try and write from some prompts I have collected on Pinterest for now. I do believe that words can be used powerfully, but I need to get the words out in order for them to mean anything.

Today's prompt: Something I thought a lot about as a child is...

Stories..

I would often pretend that I was either in a story I had read, one I was writing or one that I would never write. I was many different characters at many different times with many different stories swirling around me. I was a time traveller, a child in the war, and as I got a bit older, a Jedi. That became my favourite story. Jedi were strong, could survive anything, brought good to the world and had this deep spiritual connection that gave their life more meaning than they would have had without it.

Star Wars is still one of my favourite movie sagas and has captured my imagination since I first saw it. I could write a lot more about it and Jedis, but back the question. I would write a lot of stories, in games, in books, in my head.

On another short note, something funny I thought of as a kid was the way that Santa claus would get into our house since we didn't have chimney

That's all for today,
but enjoy this photo of a colourful beach

I haven't done much today

I haven't done a lot of productive things today, but maybe that's okay. 

Earlier this year I was almost constantly anxious, and a lot of that came from feeling like I was never good enough or had never done enough. These expectations felt like they came from other people, but the way I took them didn't encourage me to work harder or be more productive, it stressed me into trying to get more done, trying to keep busy. I did get quite a lot done, and I know that some of those techniques like keeping lists are helpful, but I was always stressed and just about ready to burst into tears if any little change came into my carefully planned out day. I had to always be planned a day or two ahead, with everything fitting in and working out.

These things aren't bad in themselves, having a list of goals to achieve or wanting to have plans, but I wasn't flexible at all, which is odd as I knew I had been stretched the previous two years in exactly that thing, yet I let stress and overthinking run my life.

So though I may not have got a lot done today, and I know I should get back to making lists and doing more, I'm not as anxious when I am awake, I don't have stomach aches almost every day and at the moment I am appreciating the time to get to know myself better. I realised recently there are some things about my character that I want to change, ways that I've been acting and reacting that are not healthy nor come from a good place. I have identified most of the reasons why and now I get the interesting time of figuring out how to change my thinking so that I don't continually struggle with the same things.

I guess in some way or another we're all just growing together

Thoughts

People

How do you know when people are worth the effort? 

Surely they all are,
But that's not fair to my heart.
Unless I'm just too selfish in expecting anything back
Is it selfish to expect anything in return?
Why can't I love with no expectation..

Hello Again

The reason that I haven't been on this blog much lately is that I have been struggling to form words. Emotions have been overwhelming and trying to even find words for that is hard.

Something I have realised though, is that even when it feels like we're the only ones feeling a certain way, we really aren't. I have discovered many people recently that can relate to my sometimes strange feelings. The ones that are there for a reason and the ones don't make sense.

It seemed like I had nothing to say. I wasn't sure how I could help anyone through my words. I have been thinking a lot about what my purpose is here. I know that God has created us to know Him and worship Him, to tell others about Him and to help those around us. That is the simple answer, and it sufficed for years, but for a while it didn't seem like enough. I wanted to know what I was supposed to be doing. Where I was meant to be.

I think what started these thoughts was that there was a chance I was going to move. I discovered a program that combined many of my passions and desires. I was looking at joining a Discipleship Training School that ministered to people through the arts. I love the creative side of things and the way that the arts can speak to people.

I was very excited for this new place, new community, new opportunities. But it was taking a long time to get a reply on whether I was accepted into the program or not and that was stressful as it was getting to a few weeks before I would need to leave and I didn't know whether I was going or staying. I don't like uncertainty. I like to have plans for the bigger things and I like knowing what I am meant to be doing. There was also some miscommunication and things were getting delayed until there wasn't really enough time to sort everything out. Because of this I asked if my application could be postponed to the next year.

But there have been some good things that have happened through my staying. I am also learning yet again to trust God, with every section of my life. He knows what I need and when I need it. He is always there even when I can't see His hand directly and wonder what is happening. He has provided me with good friends, a supportive family and sparking ideas.

I have also realised something recently that I think will help me to not stress so much over things. It's something that people have said to me many times before, but as someone said last night at com (bible study), it is often needed for you to have a realisation of something yourself for it really to make a difference.

In a sense, stressing about things is focusing more on what could go wrong instead of keeping my focus on God. I know that He has me, so why do I worry so much? It's hard to put this into practice but I am going to try!

So, I am staying in place for now, but I am excited. It feels like things are coming together and I have plans. It is exciting :)

~~~ On a side note, I ordered a new camera today. I am very excited!!!! ~~~

Transparently Opaque

I've decided to just sit down and write a post, no for-planning, no notes and squiggles on a page, no days writing and rewriting and editing.

So, a topic that has come up a lot recently is this topic of transparency. Which is great! Except when I am expected to do it.... It's not that I am a very closed and private person, if I trust you to some degree I am very open, but it's difficult to be open about my weaknesses and struggles to more than a select group of people or people that I know will understand. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why. Sure, it could be that I don't want them to see me a certain way without understanding it completely, it could be a pride thing, it could be uncertainty of how to explain my self to some people or uncertainty of how they will take it. I don't want to try and explain something and they get the wrong picture and I can't redraw it.

Yet I see the importance of it. I see the importance of being open and transparent. It opens doors for common ground and approachability. It can help others or could help you. It makes you less afraid of others, makes you more aware of real love when you know they can see all that you have done wrong yet still love you anyway.

But it's hard. It's scary and it's daunting. I know I need to be more transparent with more people. There is no reason to be afraid because I know who I am, I know that I have value to God no matter how scuffed I am or how much I mess up; and yes, you should becareful of who you open up to cause some people aren't worth the trust, but I'm speaking about a safe community, that I should be able to trust to a larger extent.

Yet I am transparent to only a certain degree with most people. To a place where it requires no or minimal risk.

But the point of something being transparent is to be able to through it, to see into it. To see the reality of what is inside.

Transparent.

Transparently opaque. An oxymoron. One that so often happens.

Opaque: Impenetrable by light, blocking the passage of radiant energy and especially light

But light is necessary. Light is necessary for things to grow. Light takes away shame.

Then why is it so scary?

Even in the simple idea of saying: I'm not okay. It's easier to make people believe everything is more or less okay, sure not perfect, but okay. I don't want to explain, I don't want to feel like I'm failing.

But it's okay to not be okay.

That is something I have learnt this year. I used to sometimes think that if I wasn't coping (other than for reasons when it would completely make sense to not be) then I was a terrible Christian. Cause Christians should just be fine all the time right..?

No...

Yes, God gives us hope, even in the midst of trying times or low days, but that doesn't automatically make everything perfect.

And yes, we can't just stay in the low places, in the bad moods, in the doubting, but I don't think it makes you a terrible person because you aren't having a good day, or more drastically are battling with thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Just read some of the psalms. David was not always okay. He sounds depressed and down and upset at some stages, but yet he still praises God. He doesn't stay there, but he does go through down moments. Yet he is still remembered as a man after God's own heart, even though he wasn't always happy and was quite clear about that.

Honesty and transparency can bring us closer, help us to help each other.

Why are we so scared of not being okay in front of each other?

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Just Keep Learning...

After all my good intentions of being more consistent and interactive, I just disappeared. I'm not exactly sure why, but it wasn't just because life got busy, but things started to seem pointless. Sometimes not being able to see that there's anything coming from an endeavour is discouraging because sometimes my words seem to not make sense even to me. Even though I'm not trying to make a huge difference with this blog I do hope that my words mean something to someone. Anyhow, I thought it would be good to share some things I've learnt recently, both about myself and about life in general.

1) Being not okay is okay. I know this, but I don't like not being okay. I feel like I should be able to handle a lot more than I can and that I shouldn't need help. Yet I have been blessed with so many great people around me that can help me and do and I am grateful for that. Also, not being happy all the time doesn't make you a terrible person. At some stage I thought that Christians had to be more or less okay all the time unless something hugely traumatic happened, but sometimes I'm not okay for small reasons, or not any reason at all it seems. I've found a lot of comfort in talking to people that understand and also in the Psalms. David is remembered as a great man but there were days that he really wasn't okay. Yet even in those times he praised God. I want to learn from that.

2) I set expectations of myself that are not what others expect. This causes a lot of stress that is really unnecessary. I want to do things well, but sometimes, instead of just focusing on that and doing the best that I can, I start to worry that I'm not doing it well enough for someone else's standard, or that I can't do it well enough, which also takes away any enjoyment or motivation I previously had.

3) Community is vital. I've found that often talking to someone, whether it is about a bad day, an unwelcome feeling or a situation, can be very helpful. Even if they can't help, just having someone know what's going on let's you feel less alone. If you have some people that you know you can message just to ask them to pray for you or to talk, I'd encourage you to contact them.

4) People need your love more than your judgement. People make mistakes, start thinking in ways that might not make sense to you and that need to change, but sometimes all you can do is to still love them through that and pray for them. Sometimes no amount of talking and giving your opinion or even explaining what is right will change their mind.

I don't like going through confusing times and stages that I don't handle as well as I would like to, but I am grateful for the things that I learn through those times. I am also comforted by the fact that even when I'm not being the "best" person that I can be God doesn't stop loving me.