Vulnerability

4/11/16

I have realised something recently. I don't like vulnerability, I find it hard to share my problems with others. Whether it is because they have previously stared blankly at me or muttered some sort of "It'll be fine" in response, or have seemed disinterested in helping me, I don't understand the point of sharing a part of your life with someone when they don't care.
Yet over and over I hear that a team should be unified, should be able to help each other; we should have accountability partners who can help us with forward momentum; we should be transparent with our lives.

It is sometimes easier to put those emotions into a story or dance where they just need to be felt instead of put into words. But I was thinking that there are people in the bible that have experienced the same emotions that we do. David is one of my favourite bible characters lives. He makes mistakes, has hard times to go through, he is depressed at times, yet he is still called a man after God's own heart. A man that wasn't always happy, a man that took another's wife and had him positioned to be killed, yet God still saw his heart and that it was devoted after him.

 I think David's story can show us that we don't need to be perfect. We don't need to appear perfect in front of others. And that is hard. It is so much easier to hide my problems and deal with them myself than be vulnerable, but it is such a sweet place I want to get to. To be assured that whatever happens, whatever mistakes you make, whatever your emotions, that doesn't change your worth in God's eyes, So why does it matter so much what others think? I want to get to that place where my eyes are starry gazed, fixed on Jesus, that it is easy to admit how chipped and messed up I am. Where it doesn't matter how others see me, because I know how he sees me and if I don't have the support of others, that is actually okay.

20/5/17

Six months later and I am thinking these same thoughts. I guess some thought patterns take a while to get through. I still have the same desire though, to be humble enough to be open about my problems and failures. To not care that others see me as imperfect, because that is what I am. 

I am imperfect. 

And so are you, so what is the big deal about sharing that? Why don't we try and skip this awkward phase of not wanting to admit where we have or are going wrong. I do think with some topics you need sensitivity on who to share what with, but I don't want to be ashamed of the fact that I am not perfect anymore, because that is a silly thing to aspire to.